What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 01:12
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Who then, do I blame.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
I could never make a relationship work though!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is soul school!.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He knew the spot.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i do to all so called friends.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She wouldn,t have been !
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We all went to grammer schools
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When she asked me how she looked .
Im still living with it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was 9 years of age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was very sick at this time too.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.